Packsister’s Weblog

Okay, here comes a little something from me that I need to say. This whole thing, pushing the novel, by now I can tell that it doesn’t make that much sense to me after all. Because sitting down almost every time since we started it I have no idea what I want to write about. So every time it’s an improvisation, a frist draft of something I have given no thought to until the very moment I started writing. And yes, that IS a bad thing, at least it is for me. I’m not writing like that usually. I have to work through a scene in my mind many times again and again before I write it down. Sometimes I think of a scene for months before I write it, and when I do, it’ll be perfect. What I’m writing these days is what first comes to my mind, which isn’t really great stuff. It’s a first thought. And I need to refine that thought before I write it down. I have no time every day to give the scenes enogh thought, if I’m working all day and only have 2 hours for myself in the evening. So whatever I write needs a LOT of honing, and I would usually have done that honing in my mind already. So yeah, I pretty much can’t use what I write now. First drafts of something I can do better and don’t even like. It makes no sense for me to push the word count, when I’ll have to rewrite every single scene at some later point. I’m doing myself a disfavour by pushing things that should never be pushed. THis I have learned long ago: all in good time. The text needs to ripen like a fruit before it gets written, and I haven’t let my texts ripen enough. I have great instincts about my writing, but by pushing the word count – I never even count the words when I write, yet lately this is all I seem to care about and that’s deadly for my creativity – I’m betraying my instincts.

Now, I’ve never been counting words, I was counting chapters. And if I write about 30 chapters, then ONE chapter in 3-4 days is more than enough. By the 9th day of this I just realise I can’t afford doing this anymore. I can’t keep writing like this, or I’ll risk writing shit. ANd wjhat does the word count mean when the words are bad? Quantity is NOTHING without quality and I’m missing the quality. Afte all there is a VERY good reason why I don’t bother writing after 11 hous at work, being deadly tired and having thought of other things all day. A dead brain does not produce anything good, that’s just a fact. And that’s how I’ve been writing this whole last week.

I’m not officially quitting the NPI yet. Not today anyway. I’m gonna open a file and try writing right now, but I may soon, if I realise it doesn’t go so well after all. No, really, I don’t need any more discipline than I have – I’ve got enough discipline to command a whole army. I don’t need more motivation than I already have – I’ve never been more motivated about anything in my life than I am about writing. But I do need to be doing my thing in my own time. Timing is everything, I have learned it very well in the years that I’m writing. And I need to go with my instincts.

I know, I was enthusiastic about joining in. It’s just that two years ago I did almost the same for myself: in about two months I’ve written 2/3 of my first book by getting up early and writing from 8am till noon every single day. It worked out fine and I was content, but apparently I’ve had more time before I started writing to work on the text in my mind, so that what I was putting on the pages was pretty much a finished text. Not like this time. I thought that it would work out for me again, but it apparently doesn’t. And yes, when I AM ready to write, I write a lot. 4-6 pages a day is normal. Count yourself how many words that is. But writing only comes easy to me when I’m ready, and these days I’m not ready. So guys, sorry if I’ll have to quit some time in the near future and I REALLY hope my decision won’t discourage you. Each to their own, we all know that. I’m not quitting yet, I’ll try to write now. So see you later.

EDIT: Okay, wrote a little after all. 459 words today, total score 8232